"DON'T TREAD ON ME":

AMERICANS RISE UP AGAINST ALIEN INVADERS

by Nick Gier

It is early December, 2008, and the Democrats have just won the presidency and huge majorities in Congress.  The economy is in a deep recession, and Bush's approval ratings are in the middle teens. On December 7, an alien expeditionary force, knowing full well the significance of the date, invades the U.S. and, with a shock and awe campaign, quickly overwhelms American defenses, substantially weakened because of the Iraq war. Alien troops occupy Washington, D.C. and dozens of other major cities.

          The aliens come from a warrior culture that prizes male dominance and the subordination of women and effeminate males.  The aliens offer government posts to those who agree with them, but they imprison those who protest. Torture and mass executions occur daily.

The aliens are not particularly religious, but they admire the tough, macho talk of leading evangelical preachers. Pat Robertson offers his services, and the aliens agree to his conditions that evangelical Christianity become the state religion, that abortion be outlawed, and that the president of Venezuela be assassinated.  Vice-President Cheney is also cooperative and he is made Secretary of State.  The aliens find George Bush amusing, but quickly tire of his bad jokes and the nicknames that he has unctuously given alien leaders. 

          The aliens miscalculate the number of forces needed to pacify 300 million people.  Even though they outlaw the possession of weapons, the aliens could not prevent the forming of heavily armed militias in every state.  Using all sorts of deceptive strategies, American patriots attack alien patrols and bases with incredible courage and ferocity.  Religious tensions between Protestants and Catholics rise to unprecedented levels. 

            Both Catholics and Mormons bristle at the new policy, promulgated by Secretary of Religious Affairs Robertson, that they are not Christians.  Members of Opus Dei manage to raise millions of dollars from concerned citizens in Quebec, Ireland, Latin America, and other Catholic countries.  The money is funneled to Catholic militias who are especially effective in the big cities.

            Radical evangelicals arm themselves in response and bloody sectarian conflict ensures. Recalling the sacrifices of their early martyrs, Christian extremists on both sides resort to suicide bombing, which causes great consternation in the alien ranks.  Moderate Catholics and Protestants are horrified by these desperate actions and they cower in their homes. Repeated attempts by their leaders to stop the sectarian violence fail.

    Pat Robertson declares that that biblical prophecy requires that all Jews return to their homeland for the Battle of Armageddon.  American Jews are obviously not obeying the Word of God, so Robertson orders that all of them be deported to Israel.  America's Jews of course refuse this outrageous order, and many of them also form militias, which are openly financed by Israel and Jews around the world.  Jewish rebels now do battle not only with the aliens, but also Protestant militias that insist on enforcing the deportation order.

Alien leaders object to the interference of other nations, claiming that they alone have the right to intervene in American affairs.  Supporters of the American rebels' right to self-determination declare that this incredible claim is the height of hubris.

The United Nations has been forced to move its headquarters to Geneva, but the UN delegates respond to this crisis with unusual cooperation and unity of purpose.  It takes months of preparation, but a multinational force, with a core of NATO troops led by a French general, land troops on the East Coast.  Chinese, Indian, and Japanese forces quickly establish beachheads on the West Coast. 

The aliens, who once considered themselves invincible, find themselves caught between the insurgents and the UN troops, and after a short time they sue for peace. The French general wanted to fly American troops home from Iraq, but they were under furious attack by a united Shiite insurgency. Unfortunately, Secretary Cheney got his way and convinced the aliens to invade Iran.

The duly elected Congress is restored to power and the first act of Secretary of State Bill Clinton is to send the French President an apology for some American insinuations that the French could not fight and an apology for the momentary lapse about renaming French Fries.  The French are thanked once again for saving the U.S., first in its infancy and now 233 years later.  Viva la France!